That Unemployed Friend #007: Oops.

On fucking up

My biggest strength and greatest weakness is I just go for it. As soon as I have a set idea in mind on what I’m supposed to do with myself I dive in head first without a glance in the left or right directions, no second thoughts or considerations. I don’t trust my gut as much as I am a walking talking gut. I have nothing else to trust, there’s no critical thinking apparatus going on here, I’m either trusting my gut or nuthin’. When it works out I’m a decisive man of action, a leader. When it doesn’t I incur great financial and social penalties that I can usually manage privately. This time, however, I can’t. There isn’t enough money coming in to mitigate the missteps, not in the long term anyway. When I had a job I could tell myself “I live and I learn” since I had enough money to buy the time to “live” and subsequently “learn.” But now, for the first time ever, there’s a clock and it is ticking. So I’m going to take my “learning” public, at least for the benefit of my long-suffering Substack subscribers, maybe you can learn through my live.

Stuff I Should Have Already Known But Had To Learn The Hard Way For Some Reason:

1. Writing is really difficult

   I don’t know if other writers sit down and the brilliance just flows but that is not me. I’m good at writing but maybe 15% of that writing comes easily, the other 85% has to be dragged out of me like hauling a massive fish from the ocean. Once it gets into the boat and gutted and fried up and served it sure tastes good but wow did it take a while to get there. So the idea that I would make myself into a “content creator” by serving up regular bits of effective writing was, in retrospect, not a great call.

2. Podcasting is not just podcasting

   I thought I was too good for podcasting. “Well, I don’t really listen to podcasts but I do read a lot so I’ll just write instead.” Idiot. Aside from being a medium people seem to actually engage with, Podcasting is the ultimate way of having good conversations with talented people. Boot up a zoom session and shoot the shit about St Anger or some made up nu-metal allegations. Turns out it’s actually a great time.

3. Writing works against what I’m good at

   I perform. Putting on a good performance and being rewarded with attention and validation is what drives me. Writing can validate but it takes a long time to get to that part. I still do and always will believe in the power of writing - there’s no other format in which I would have wanted to publish my “Best Nu-Metal” lists for instance and there’s nothing quite so satisfying as a well considered pan - but it takes ages and adds up to uncertain ends. Speaking of ends…

4. Writing doesn’t pay

   I didn’t want to believe this was true but I don’t know what else to say here. Writing doesn’t pay. It can pay if you work really hard at it for a long time but as my month one of unemployment euphoria melted into a month two reality check it became clear to me that I either pivot or go completely broke. So month two was spent working on getting the Patreon, the various Patreon perks, and podcast together and finally in month three I rushed the Patreon out the door amidst rumors of Twitter’s imminent demise. Within three weeks I was making 5x as much on Patreon per month as I was on Substack. Oops.

5. I’m actually not sure what pays

   Remember when I said I’m making 5x on Patreon per month that I was making on Substack? Well, at my old job I was making more than double that every week. To say I’m not even close to breaking even is an understatement. It’s finally dawned on me that in order to have some shot at making this into a living I’m going to have to amalgamate every possible type of monetization there is. Twitch subs, Substack, tee shirts, podcast ads, live events… everything.

This is a bizarre feeling. I’ve never been here before. Even if things keep going exactly right - no medical emergencies, no sudden expenses - without a big financial breakthrough I’m going to go broke.

Now, if someone were to say “Okay so get a job then” that would be a fair response. Nobody owes me a living wage to sit on my computer and tweet but amidst this exhausting swirl of memes, articles, substacks, tee-shirts, patreons, posts, posts, more posts, it’s worth refocusing on what I concretely can accomplish which is creating a big platform for artists with nu-metal influences.

Imagine what I could get done with a million Twitter followers. Imagine if I could post the Bandcamp link to a promising young nu-metal act’s new album and pay their rent for the month. That is the goal here. Not just a full time champion of accessible heavy music or haha funny twitter guy but restoring some kind of financial ability for bands to do what they love more.

Most of my early unemployment pleasures are gone. I don’t swim or wake up easy anymore and I certainly don’t take my sweet-ass-time on anything. Mostly I rush through the day’s errands so I can sit in front of this computer and gape, no thoughts except “How do I get money out of this thing?” I’m pushing through the worst of it now, in many ways I’m honestly relieved to avail myself of the delusion that I was going to make a living off writing. Not only is that not something I can accomplish in the short term, I don’t want to. Despite how necessary I find writing to be, how much I love it, how important I think it is to music and how I will be doing it enthusiastically and happily for the rest of my life it doesn’t play to my strengths. Gotta work with myself not against.

God, sorry. This has a real funeral trudge to it now, like I’m slow walking the revelation that your mother and I are getting a divorce over breadsticks at Olive Garden. It’s not that I don’t want to write anymore, music demands to be written about, but putting myself in a situation in which I have to write, with the financial rewards of such becoming ever dimmer by the day, beat the hell out of me. This piece in particular has become a milestone draped upon my back as I struggle to figure how to make writing about writing about not wanting to write to an audience that has paid me to write compelling. The Substack will persist, I intend to resume regular updates this week in fact, I’ve simply been too depressed to tend to it effectively. No more. I refuse to let this newsletter run aground. I have so much planned, so much to do. I think the Podcast is off to a great start and I’m truly thrilled at the Patreon’s progress. February has the potential to be a big month and with my online efforts and some side gigs I’ve put together enough money for another month of rent. Also good. Twitch is growing, slowly but steadily. Nice. The Discord is thriving. Wonderful. I’ve sold some merch! Great. And for all this bullshit Twitter is still there. Thank god. I’ve met great people, I keep meeting great people, and no matter what I’m still thrilled to be out here making something on my own. There are a lot of people that believe in me, who have been following me from platform to platform cheering me on, both socially and financially, and really putting the battery in my back everyday and to those of you reading this I thank you, deeply and sincerely. There’s still a lot to be done, I’m on my way but I’m not there …yet.